Hermind

It Never Fails

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So I have been gone for a minute, but of course I’m back like you knew I would be…Anyway, I was doing some deep thinking about what I could come back with. So much shit going on: Innocent Employee gets trampled to death at Wal-Mart on Black Friday because people were pushing, shoving and running to get to some discounted video games and tv’s….. The Government spent almost half of the GDP to bail out Citi Bank and other big banks so that they can continue to buy out smaller businesses and firms, tear their companies apart, and sell them off bit by bit…..Terrorists attacked India and about 90 people were killed, not including Bill Gates who happened to be at one of the hotels that was bombed. (God forbid anything happen to him..a lil sarcasm)…..Gas prices are going down, traffic and pollution are going back up…

But enough of that, the point is that there was some hot shit that I could have commented on and I had almost come up with something……when I decided to look at my fellow page (hismind) and low and behold what do I see???…..Titties, and ass, and more ass, and more titties…..

I have never thought that the site exploited women; I am open to whatever and feel that people should be able to post what they want, but DAMN… Is that the only thing that men are interested in looking at? I mean seriously, what is it? Their have been some good posts, some excellent one’s full of opinions and comments on shit that is important, and not that women are not beautiful and important as well, but for real one has to understand how that shit can get old and be misconstrued? The youtube videos of the girls shaking their asses? Were they even of legal age? In a world where women, especially women of color are ostracized, scrutinized, hated on and degraded, do we really need to display more of it all over the net? Is it really necessary to spread that shit everywhere? Can we get back to politics, or social issues that are affecting our country and the world, or even explore some other concepts?

I must be honest, with so much negative bullshit, and bullshit in general going on in the world, can hismind be a place where we see something positive and uplifting from a man’s perspective? It just never fails that I can go from site to site and see this same kind of shit….I urge you, even challenge you to do something different….I dare you!

I threw my poems away

For HIM….

I threw my poems away, because I believed HIM when he said they were too deep for us. They were deeper than anything that happened between us at that point. So I threw them away, and believed for a long time that it was ok. I am not a poet, nor have I ever been; but writing is a part of me. It is my way of emoting, when my verbal expression is not enough, or I have no one to talk to.

I wrote those poems because they were the best indication of what I felt at the time. That was the easiest and most truthful way for me to express my thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions. They were about others, men from my past, written in the past and present, but they were mine.

When men feel threatened by another man that has been in there place with a woman, they often try their best to completely erase them. HE was threatened, and even though we are no longer together, HE still is. I never quite understood what it was about this one particular man that made HIM feel like less of one. The sad part about it is that HE succeeded for a while. First it was my words, my poems. Then my writing all together. Next, it was my hobbies, then my other friends. Before I even knew it, I had completely changed into everything that HE was and wanted ME to be.

I had forgotten my own passions, hopes and dreams. The memories that made me smile sweetly to myself when not caring if anyone was watching….But eventually I found the again. Slowly, but surely…I came back to me. In an instant I remembered everything. Everything I threw away for him, and then I realized something else. I realized why HE was so threatened by that other man. I threw him away for HIM and when I saw him again, I immediately remembered. The feeling that I felt was so awakening, I felt more alive than I had in 4 years. Perhaps HE had a right to feel threatened, but HE had no right to make me throw away my poems.

Words can be erased, but experiences cannot. And I remembered everything. Once, I threw my poems away, but I will never do that again. Although I am not a poet, they are a part of me, and any time I feel like writing…I will, not because HE is not in my life anymore, or he is different and allows me to write, but it is because it is me and I will never throw him or my poems, or myself away again.

That’s my Shit

I woke up this morning around 5am, got dressed to go to work and set out on my voyage. On the way I decided that since it was so early I needed to listen to something that would get my heart going, something to help wake me u and keep me up. I turned on the radio and I hear the upbeat sounds of ‘Get Me Bodied’ one of my favorite songs by none other than Beyonce… I hear so many people hate on her, of course I do not know her as a person and there was a time when I was tired of seeing and hearing her. (TV, radio etc.) but for the most part I always thought her to be extremely talented. Regardless of how I feel, that song will always be my pick me up, get me krunk and hype song. When I am down I can play it and feel better, when I am sleepy and need to wake up I can play it and feel more awake and alive. That song is and will always be my song. That’s my shit….

MellowDee

The Move

I am really excited. The day was long and the work was hard, but we got it done! It was the beginning of a new experience for me, or rather the beginning of new experiences to become. No one in this city really knows me, and I think I like that more than anything. I did exactly what I wanted to do today. No thoughts of anyone else or what they wanted me to do. It felt great, feels great. It took a long time to get here..but I am here and I feel better than I have felt in a long time. What’s to come? Who really knows, but whatever it is I will have the chance, the opportunity to work it out for myself. I have always been missing that part of me, and now that I have found it…I doubt I will let it go.

Do we really know what we want?

If so, then why do we fight it when we get it.  I want a man that’s strong and ambitious.  A provider and a good friend is what I keep telling myself that I want.  So what’s the problem?  This strong, ambitious and hard working man is in love with me.  Showers me with all my heart desires.  But this man insists that I don’t work and that I stick close to home. “Babe why don’t your friends come over here to hang out?” is what he asks often.  When we met I worked at as a massage tech at an upscale spa.  He saw money to be made and opened up a spa of his own for me to run.  Well damn, I should be happy right?  This man just gave me a business of my own so I don’t have to report to no one.  Yet still a voice tells me that this man is just trying to keep you close to home.  I once said I needed to be tamed but this seems to be more of a control issue.  I need to have a taste of freedom.  I need to be able to be me.  I have no problem with working for someone.  And its business first always.  He just opened a new club so I cant tell you the last time I seen him naked.  But I change in front him to see if he still notices.  And he does and he starts to touch, then caress, then kiss then he realizes what time it is and its “babe I got to finish some things can we continue this later?”  Do I look like a video game that you can just press pause on and come back to?  This dude is trippin!!  Listen to me with this shit.  I’m going against the grain, fighting what I once claimed to want in a mate.  And when I get mad and fill that I have had enough of everything.  I look at him and all that he does and he is doing and truly see that he does it because he loves me.  There simply is no abuse there verbal or physical.  And no matter how much I bitch about it his rules.  He is a stong man and I love him.

Puzzle

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I tried to piece him together. My grandmother always told me, “ you can’t change a man, so there is no need to try.” I didn’t listen. She said it more than once. From what I recall, I must have heard her say it to different people many times growing up. But to me, she only said it once, and obviously it did not stick.

Everyone is selfish to a certain extent. We are human,wanting what we want when we want it. I try to exercise patience. For the most part, I think I do a damn good job. I have more patience with people than most others I know. But in terms of men, that offers me nothing. I had doubts from the beginning, but I ignored them because I thought that I had too many doubts. As if it makes me uneccessarily negative. So I ignored the doubts and got involved with him anyway.

One good thing that I can say is that he is different than other men. But that difference doesn’t seem to be enough. Or is it enough and I can’t see it? Am I making things difficult? Impossible? Will I be our ultimate demise? I tried to piece together his puzzle perfectly. To make sure that I had locked all of the pieces firmly in place. To make sure that all of the edges were straight, that none were bent or sticking out.

I was careful. Or so I thought. “This one would be different.” Had to be. Or I would give up all together. “you can’t change a man, so there is no need to try.” That’s what she use to say, and I didn’t listen. Not even the little things that seem like small, but significant changes will make a difference. I went left, I convinced him to come with me instead of going right. I back myself into this corner every single time.

What does that say about me? Am I asking for too much? Do I want too much? Expect too much? I wanted so badly for things to work out. For things to be better than they were before. I wanted to put together this puzzle carefully and perfectly. But perfect doesn’t exist. The pieces do not always fit. I can not change this man or any man, so there is no need to try. But I am missing a few pieces, and I see more disappearing everyday.

Should I Tell Him?

I wonder if it would make a difference if I told him what is going on what would he say and how would he react? I wonder if he would stay with me? marry me? or if he would just pit me until I am gone and move on to something else, someone else? Would he become spiteful? resent me.

Or

Would he understand, have compassion? still love me and think that I am beautiful. Live out the rest of my days with me in peace?

I wonder if I should tell him. If I did tell him, then how would he react. Would I scare him? I am scared myself. Could I count on him? I don’t know, but I am scared and need him to understand. To love me in spite of it. To be with me, for as long as we can be…. still I wonder should I tell him?